The Initiate Fraysong ♑ (Young GHB) (
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thearena2015-02-14 08:44 pm
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Come away little lamb come away to the water, to the arms that are waiting only for you
Who| Initiate, Sam, and the Psiioniic
What| Initiate doesn't find the sea monster he was looking for. Friends come watch him make stupid decisions.
Where| At the lake, in an ice cave of the glacier
When| later week 3, post Valentines
WARNINGS| Mutilation, limb removal, gore referencing, self harm, self-surgeries, references to other instances of this.
He moves along the riverside, hunting by the far ends in the weeks early and making on closer to the source. Part of him his hesitant, fearful. Another part is hopeful. Either way, he doesn't find the ocean. Not here. And so his breath is both relief and regret.
The water sparkles beautifully. By day, he can imagine it's green and blue and all beautiful mid-blood colors, stubbornly striking. But here and now, it's indigo, belonging to him like he spilled the blood himself to form it. He can see it there in the distance, with just the slightest bit of dusk light hanging in the streaked sky, reminding him of the colors in the Alternian night while leaving enough dark for him to be comfortable. It's cold as fuck, but he's got all manner of thing as to see him warm, not mention keeping a move on.
It's hard to do that though, when he spots that shadow on the water. His breath catches and a fear settles in him. They wouldn't. But they would. They'd done it before. They brought his Da from the motherfucking ocean as to be watched over by him. They brought his past self as Tribute, they sent in his descendant as a goddamn daywalker copy to taunt him while he tried to keep the kid alive for naught, they made a crowning what showed of the execution what as he called for. They would absolutely bring his Da in the arena. And if it was his Da, he was the only one what could think to stop it.
If he could only get around to thinking that.
He runs on forward, going and going until he's something close to that dark spot in the lake. He stands just at the icey shore's edge, unwilling to go no further.
"...Da?" He calls out, apprehensive. "THAT YOU?"
The water surges up. Would he be this afraid if he was sure it was Da? Probably. Probably more so.
The water sprays down and a massive head shows itself with great needle teeth bared. But there ain't no horns. This thing ain't a goat. It's pissed anyway.
Those jaws lunge down and he dives out of the way, scrambling fast, but he's too close and teeth sink in and the next he knows he's being hauled up by the leg of his pants. He doesn't think, just works on instinct, swinging so the cloth tears and he's freefalling to the beast's neck, claws out to catch himself. The flesh is thick and don't even bleed, but it might if he's being their when the beast takes a snap at him. He's a fast swimmer, but not as fast as thing will be. He waits. Those teeth come at him, he ducks under, slashes, and dives, kicking off from the head to get that start.
Don't look back. Don't panic. Don't think. Swim, go, go.
He breaks the surface but it ain't being no where near the land. His claws catch in ice and just in time as the thing smashes against the great ice-block's side. He braces it, breathing hard, trying desperate to keep his grip. He hears the water rush behind him as the beast rises up again, preparing to strike. He climbs, fast as all he can, fast like it's his go on the fucking grief trapeze and someone set the ropes on fire.
Messiahs bless him. Messiahs give him an alcove in the ice, a small bit of cave leading inward. He dives for it, sliding and crawling inside, going as far as he can go, well out of the creature's reach. He's cold. He's so fucking cold. He's not sure he's ever been so cold in his whole damn life and he is of cold blood. He thinks to curl up right there, instinctive, but the ice quakes with the force of the beast's ramming and pieces fall from the ceiling. He stands up fast, making to run. He can see an opening ahead, a way out as to get to land. But the ice quakes again and he slips, landing hard enough to bruise. There's a terrible cracking noise, and all at once, as he turns to watch what is surely his death, a great mass of ice collapses on him. He hears the crunch of his leg just a second before he feels it. His howl echoes off the walls and up in his ears.
There's blood on him. It's the first thing he sees when he finally manages to get himself something close to upright again. The beast has stopped its attack. Maybe the gamemakers were satisfied with the fact that his leg was almost surely ruined. It's worse than that. He's stuck. He tries to pull, tries to shove, but the ice ain't moving and it ain't giving him his leg back. He can't stay here. He'll freeze before the night is done. If the beasts don't find him first. His hands hover useless around his leg, like he can will it to healing. Idea occurs, what has him twisting as best he can for the soaked backpack on him, opening it up for the hunting knife what he knows is in there. He brings out and brings it to the ice wall.
Then stops. It's too hard. He won't be able to chip this away. Even if he does, only more ice will come down in its place. He has to get out with moving nothing. He has to...
He glances back at to that exit way to land. He looks to knife, then his leg. The knife goes down, so he can pull out that freezing blanket and shove the corner of it in his mouth, to protect his tongue from any biting down involuntary. He didn't trust himself with that. The knife is back in shaking hand. He can do this. If he could do such things to himself on Beforus he sure as fuck could as Alternian.
He starts turning ice to indigo.
What| Initiate doesn't find the sea monster he was looking for. Friends come watch him make stupid decisions.
Where| At the lake, in an ice cave of the glacier
When| later week 3, post Valentines
WARNINGS| Mutilation, limb removal, gore referencing, self harm, self-surgeries, references to other instances of this.
He moves along the riverside, hunting by the far ends in the weeks early and making on closer to the source. Part of him his hesitant, fearful. Another part is hopeful. Either way, he doesn't find the ocean. Not here. And so his breath is both relief and regret.
The water sparkles beautifully. By day, he can imagine it's green and blue and all beautiful mid-blood colors, stubbornly striking. But here and now, it's indigo, belonging to him like he spilled the blood himself to form it. He can see it there in the distance, with just the slightest bit of dusk light hanging in the streaked sky, reminding him of the colors in the Alternian night while leaving enough dark for him to be comfortable. It's cold as fuck, but he's got all manner of thing as to see him warm, not mention keeping a move on.
It's hard to do that though, when he spots that shadow on the water. His breath catches and a fear settles in him. They wouldn't. But they would. They'd done it before. They brought his Da from the motherfucking ocean as to be watched over by him. They brought his past self as Tribute, they sent in his descendant as a goddamn daywalker copy to taunt him while he tried to keep the kid alive for naught, they made a crowning what showed of the execution what as he called for. They would absolutely bring his Da in the arena. And if it was his Da, he was the only one what could think to stop it.
If he could only get around to thinking that.
He runs on forward, going and going until he's something close to that dark spot in the lake. He stands just at the icey shore's edge, unwilling to go no further.
"...Da?" He calls out, apprehensive. "THAT YOU?"
The water surges up. Would he be this afraid if he was sure it was Da? Probably. Probably more so.
The water sprays down and a massive head shows itself with great needle teeth bared. But there ain't no horns. This thing ain't a goat. It's pissed anyway.
Those jaws lunge down and he dives out of the way, scrambling fast, but he's too close and teeth sink in and the next he knows he's being hauled up by the leg of his pants. He doesn't think, just works on instinct, swinging so the cloth tears and he's freefalling to the beast's neck, claws out to catch himself. The flesh is thick and don't even bleed, but it might if he's being their when the beast takes a snap at him. He's a fast swimmer, but not as fast as thing will be. He waits. Those teeth come at him, he ducks under, slashes, and dives, kicking off from the head to get that start.
Don't look back. Don't panic. Don't think. Swim, go, go.
He breaks the surface but it ain't being no where near the land. His claws catch in ice and just in time as the thing smashes against the great ice-block's side. He braces it, breathing hard, trying desperate to keep his grip. He hears the water rush behind him as the beast rises up again, preparing to strike. He climbs, fast as all he can, fast like it's his go on the fucking grief trapeze and someone set the ropes on fire.
Messiahs bless him. Messiahs give him an alcove in the ice, a small bit of cave leading inward. He dives for it, sliding and crawling inside, going as far as he can go, well out of the creature's reach. He's cold. He's so fucking cold. He's not sure he's ever been so cold in his whole damn life and he is of cold blood. He thinks to curl up right there, instinctive, but the ice quakes with the force of the beast's ramming and pieces fall from the ceiling. He stands up fast, making to run. He can see an opening ahead, a way out as to get to land. But the ice quakes again and he slips, landing hard enough to bruise. There's a terrible cracking noise, and all at once, as he turns to watch what is surely his death, a great mass of ice collapses on him. He hears the crunch of his leg just a second before he feels it. His howl echoes off the walls and up in his ears.
There's blood on him. It's the first thing he sees when he finally manages to get himself something close to upright again. The beast has stopped its attack. Maybe the gamemakers were satisfied with the fact that his leg was almost surely ruined. It's worse than that. He's stuck. He tries to pull, tries to shove, but the ice ain't moving and it ain't giving him his leg back. He can't stay here. He'll freeze before the night is done. If the beasts don't find him first. His hands hover useless around his leg, like he can will it to healing. Idea occurs, what has him twisting as best he can for the soaked backpack on him, opening it up for the hunting knife what he knows is in there. He brings out and brings it to the ice wall.
Then stops. It's too hard. He won't be able to chip this away. Even if he does, only more ice will come down in its place. He has to get out with moving nothing. He has to...
He glances back at to that exit way to land. He looks to knife, then his leg. The knife goes down, so he can pull out that freezing blanket and shove the corner of it in his mouth, to protect his tongue from any biting down involuntary. He didn't trust himself with that. The knife is back in shaking hand. He can do this. If he could do such things to himself on Beforus he sure as fuck could as Alternian.
He starts turning ice to indigo.
no subject
Almost, but not quite, too tired to laugh when the Psiioniic asks if he sterilized the blade. He snorts, a terrible gasping sort of laugh following after. "G-going on about germs now? STERILIZED MOST ASSUREDLY AS I SUMMONED TO MINE OWNSELF A GRAND BANQUET AND SPARE GARB." He remembers Mituna's scolding. He remembers it fond and he smiles before the Psiioniic for the first time. Only for it to flee with next wave of pain. And with the Psiioniic trying care on for him.
If Psiioniic's the arachnophobe, he's the spider what all fears to be crushed should he move up at all. He looks back and forth from the Psiioniic's face to what's been offered several times, before finally taking it. He's careful not to touch the Psiioniic himself. It's not fair, this kindness, knowing it real. But he drinks, however reluctantly, then pauses with realising he's stained it all by his blood. He shifts and brings his shirt up to wipe at the container, cleaning it off as best he can. Maybe he shouldn't make tease on germs. When it involved things unrelated to his ownself, he was the same now, always seeking clean for those around him. "S-sorry..." He says, when he finds he can't do more for it.
He eases himself back slow, lying on down and breath shuddering breaths. He inhales sharp at his leg being moved, but to his credit, doesn't make the noise what wants to come. Sam's hand is there, and he thinks, okay. Okay. He squeezes back, nodding imperceptibly. He tries to ease as what's asked, sighing.
The stitching starts and his other hand goes to cover his mouth. But ain't to stifle no noise that time, no. It ain't about pain. It's to chase away the ghostly imagining of thread going through his lips to silence him. It's about vision getting done in the wake of bloodloss. Mirth but he used to paint most profound in his most hurt. Messiahs could reach him at weakest. The urge to paint spirals, angels, the coming of ends is all coming down, but no, no, not here, not in front of Sam, Mituna, the Capitol. He looks for distraction, reaching for his token necklace of all those little memories, the rings, the leaves, the golden goat. His fingers curl around them and hold tight.
"YOU AIN'T GOTTA HELP ME. Kno-know that right?" He says all on at to Mituna. He's got fluttering lashses and an ugly grimace tries to masquerade as a smile. "HE WON'T BE MAD UP AT YOU, IF YOU GO, PSIIONIIC. S-Signless, I mean... HE'LL UN... DERSTAND. He will. PROMISE. Would tell 'im off 'f 'e got mad up at you. WOULDN'T ANYWAY. Pitied you t-too much... YOU KNOW THAT? Missed you..." How funny it was their little circle of want. Their stupid goddamn jerking around. But Sam was smarter, he didn't have none of that, he... "YOU'RE HURT!" He gasps. "Why'd y-you come at to me if you was-s hurt your ownself you fff...fuckin hypocrite. AIN'T NEITHER OF YOU SHOULD BE..." The final shout dies again, turning into a strangled noise. His hand is back to his mouth again, claws digging in to get. Fucking. Rid. Of that stitching feeling up on him. Then just as fast, he swings that very same hand away and digs his claws into the wall of ice.
"...kits what I got... should have somethin... maybe morphling..."
no subject
"Well you're in luck becauthe I brought thome fanthy highblood garb and a featht in my back pocket—You had a kit you dumb clown douche, you could have dithinfected it. You'll be thorry only if you don't drink all thith water. All of it." He cringed when Inititate apologized, because that was Psii's line. Even when he became a free troll, he still felt the urge to apologize in a knee-jerk subservient fashion when he was truly afraid. He hated that in himself. "Shut up, I'll wash thith in the river when I get more."
The jerky could wait for now; Initiate didn't look like he had the energy to chew a lot. He was rummaging for water and whatever this morph-thing was when Initiate started rambling.
"Going to pretend I didn't hear that," his voice shook.
This was not the time for his hands to shake, in fact this was the worst time for his hands to shake, why did Initiate think talking about that was such a good idea? Signless never mentioned pitying him, probably because Signless knew Psii was from a time when that wasn't a thing. And Psii knew Signless was all about respecting people's boundaries. It was bad that Psii's first instinct was to panic, then wipe his face clean of damning emotion lest everyone see weakness in him. He didn't need this, not on top of everything else. It wasn't pale pity, right? Because that would be infringing on Inititate's thing, right? And the last thing Psii wanted was to be anywhere close to blocking the path of a murderous clown moirail, hahahaholy fucking shit.
After several fumbling attempts, Psii fished more water from the backpack while trying to figure out what the fuck morphling even was. He was on a quest for painkillers in the first place, so it didn't take him long to find pills, and then appropriately-labeled vials of something stronger.
"Thethe would be tho great if I thtuck needleth in people on a regular bathith, fuck."
In slavery Psii didn't have the luxury of drugs. He had also been petrified of accidentally letting his powers show, so he had never gotten into the habit of procuring mind-altering substances that could wreak havoc on a psychic. He flipped his shit enough on his own. Psii, who never had proper medical care, now only associated syringes with city trolls sitting in dark corners tweaking out.
"I'm thorry human Sam, I need directionth. No way am I wathting drugth we can't craft in-arena becauthe I don't know how to shoot thomeone up with anything other than optic blathtth."
no subject
As they talk, he keeps his focus on what he’s doing - right up until Kurloz calls him a hypocrite. “I got patched up days ago,” he snaps back in response to that. “I was trying to be responsible and not pull my damn stitches.” He doesn’t directly argue the ‘hypocrite’ part, because technically, he is. Sam’d stitched up his own leg when he’d gotten injured, but that’s different.
He’s snapping at him mostly to try to keep his attention. It’s obvious something’s getting to him, especially when he claws at his mouth like that, but Sam can’t take Kurloz’s hand and make him gentle his touch like he had the last time he’d done something like that. Not when he’s busy stitching him up as fast and secure as he can.
“Not a problem, man.” Sam finishes off another stitch and looks back up. “We want it kicking in as fast as possible, so go for a vein. In humans the easiest place to find one’d be the back of the hand, underside of the forearm, or the crook of the elbow. Sterilize the spot, make sure there’s no air bubbles in the syringe, then just stick in at an angle and press down. Assuming this works like morphine, though, ain't a big deal if you miss. It'll take a minute or two longer, but it'll still work. When you pull it back out, go the same angle you went in and make sure you got a bandage ready to put on it.”
no subject
He doesn't want Mituna to do it. He doesn't know if he even wants Sam to. It ain't pride. It's association. It's how all the world spins and his rage cools and everything falls right the motherfuck into place and splays out simultaneous.
And then past that... past that is what he remembers after. What he recalls from when they strapped him down, cut out his tongue, and put all manner of shot up in him, the electricity what he couldn't even scream for. Then order after order to be followed.
It's all the hurt what gets being tangential. And just to prove that...
"DO AS ALL YOU ASK. Whatever. MY TRAP WILL GET ON BEING SHUT. Not a word from my maw. P-PROMISE."
He tears his claws from the ice and holds his hand out in hope, looking pleading. It doesn't occur that either one might take advantage of that outstretched arm.
no subject
Psii was waylaid by Initiate's outburst. He mouthed wordlessly for two seconds in frustration. He was torn between the fact that Initiate knew how to do it better, and how stupid it was to let someone in great pain inject themselves. The past of drug abuse—directly caused by the disappearance of Psii's future self—didn't help either.
"Are you kidding me? You're half gone with pain, you raving theedflap! Thith ithn't the time to be making promitheth you can't keep anyway."
He couldn't get Sam to do it, he was busy saving Initiate's life. Wasn't that the point of all this? Why in the hell was Initiate fighting? It was a horrible sort of irony, that Psii was preparing to give Inititate this particular drug after the Helmsman took his involuntary leave. He made to grab Inititate's arm but found himself cradling it more gently than he should. He was getting desperate; every second counted. He knew force wouldn't work against even an injured Subjugglator. Initiate could swing his hand and kill Psii if he wanted to. The thought scared Psii, but not as much as failing to save someone.
"I'm not telling you to shut up now becauthe pain ith an important warning, but j-jutht lithten for like two thecondth, that'th all I n-need, clothe your eyeth and lithten to my voithe—I'm going to do thith, and if you could refrain from breaking all my ribth, that would be great."
He grit his fangs and steeled himself the way he did in times of danger, shoving down his emotions in favor of getting shit done. He needed to be sharp and react quickly if needed. His hands steadied. Only his breathing quickened. Sam, being human, might not expect an extremely violent outburst, but Psii's paranoia was the default when he distanced himself like this to survive. He lowered the needle, eyes flicking up to watch for signs of a freakout.
no subject
But he does hesitate when Kurloz all but begs, that he doesn’t want them to do it for him.
For one of the first times Sam can remember, his instincts are telling him two very different things. The pararescue part says stop wasting time, he’s not thinking clearly, shoot him up and finish stitching him up and get him to safety, they can deal with everything else afterwards. The rest of him, the parts that’re counselor and friend, says stop, because there’s something about this that’s obviously a trigger and they need to know why, he can’t just throw Kurloz into this. It’s not enough to save his life if what they’re doing is just going to fuck with his head later.
Psiioniic makes the decision for him - but really, considering that even when Sam hesitated, scrambling to figure out what he should do here, he’d kept stitching, kept his focus on placement and formation and monitoring vitals as well as he can without any of his equipment, maybe he’d already made the same one.
“It’s not like back then.” He can’t look up for too long, because the quicker he gets this done the quicker they can get out of here, but he keeps talking anyway. “It’s different. This is you and me and him, all right? Focus on us, stay here with us, and don’t go back then.”
no subject
His heart races and his eyes are wide. But when Mituna speaks they stop their darting. He swallows hard and listens. It's not the words what reach so much as it is the gentle way Mituna holds his arm-- even just his arm.
"...Won't hurt you. DON'T WANT TO. Not ever."
He draws his other hand back. He sticks those claws back up into the ice, while the Psiioniic prepares as to do it.
Sam stops him from going back to exactly what he was afraid of. Back then. Back there. White walls and cold tones, pain sharp all up in his maw and his throat and in little pin pricks all over. This ain't that. Mituna ain't gone neither. He's right that, just sitting right fucking there, so what if he don't remember that ain't what matters is it? They ain't touching his maw, Sam ain't stitching there.
"OKAY. Aight..." He says. He nods his head, then turns it away, eyes squeezing shut as he was asked to do. It's Mituna and Sam, Mituna and Sam... He's okay with this. It's okay. He's letting this to happen, he's all being a sorts up in control...
The ice crunches in his claws.
no subject
Psii knew that feeling. He'd seen the worst in trolls, the damage they caused one another. He grew up among broken souls, being told by friends and enemies alike to walk it off and stop crying like a wiggler. Signless had taught him better since, but the scars remained. Psii thought of Initiate's avoxing in relation to his own enslavement, but he didn't immediately connect that to the present. He didn't have Signless or Dolorosa's knack for empathy, not without knowing the complete story. He only knew it had something to do with morphling or needles, and wanting only to do it himself.
Psii kept quelling himself to retain some semblance of function. His own torrent of emotions was sure to come back to bite him in the ass later. His voice grew markedly more level, uncannily so.
"It'll only take two thecondth if you hold thtill and let me do it right." The needle pressed through Initiate's skin with but a light touch. He spoke swiftly again, afraid of giving Initiate time to really panic. If he and Sam kept talking, maybe they could distract him enough. "Lithten to Sam. He'th your friend, he careth about you. And think of SS—Kankri, imagine he'th here now worrying hith nubth off, I thwear he'th going to give himthelf an ulther one of thethe nightth...."
For a few agonizing seconds, Psii pressed slowly on the plunger. He was tempted to inject and pull away faster, but he knew if he screwed this up, he'd have to stick him again. Finally it was done, and he pressed the band-aid to Initiate's arm. He kept his hand there on that clammy skin to staunch any bleeding, but also to remind Initiate of his presence. This was now, not whatever "then" that was haunting him.
no subject
If nothing else, at least him and Psiioniic talking will give Kurloz something else to focus on.
He's at a point where he needs to stop to adjust things to finish it off, anyway, so he pauses in his stitching. Reaches out to cover Kurloz's other hand with one of his, not pulling it from the ice, just leaving it there.
"It's okay, brother, we got you. You can hear us, right? Think about what you can hear, what you can touch, what's here right now. We got you here, we need you here with us."
no subject
He's urged to listen and he does. He grasps those voices like they're his lifeline. They're speaking to him. They're getting for tones all easing him in. No cold voices. No mutterings about him in words as like subject two-oh-one-B or sample ten, words over his head not for him to answer. He can talk, if he wants to.
"SAM. ...Mitu..." The Psiioniic mentions Kankri's watching in, and the guilt of that pierces through. But winds up only leave room for the clarity needed to laugh, even if it be weak. "WORRYIN'... WHAT 'E WORRIESSSON... S'GONNA GIVE YOU TWO." The laugh becomes a sharp breath and then shuddering exhale as the morphling floods his veins. Miracle that human sedatives even work on trolls. "'M sorry Kankri..." What's he sorry for again? For their failed escape attempt, for now, for further back?
Sam's hand is that same overwhelming heat that Kankri is. Bright red like flowing fire, especially when all he's being so damn cold, and not just because blood this time. The Psiioniic is just that little bit cooler, more bearable and not all the same.
The morphling works fast. He can feel the world going softer. That's reward ain't it? They called that drug something, it was the nice one, the one for doing right, not the one what made it feel like his insides were boiling, or was that the shock, it was so hard to remember... Sam needs him. They need him?
"...NEED... WHAT...? Sssir-- SAM. Brother..." He grits his teeth, reaching for sense as all it gets further and further away from him. "CAN HEAR YOU..."
no subject
An Avox would call people "sir," if they could speak.
He squeezed Initiate's arm tighter, his claws denting cold skin. Avoxing turned Psii's stomach, put him in mind of the deeply-ingrained fearmongering that kept every Alternian slave in line. He'd also heard whispers about helmstroll installation, forcibly harnessing psychic minds like his that would otherwise threaten the highblood regime. Avoxing tugged on the threads of Psii's anxiety and panic. No, no, no, not again. He would not allow anyone to bear the fear and oppression he once did, the clawing hole with no apparent way out. He regretted not being able to help every fellow slave. He was one of the lucky ones to escape, and he didn't deserve it.
"Hey. Hey. Thay your name. Count numberth. You can't get lotht in daymareth. You're thuppothed to be Kankri'th moirail, not thome crazy freakshow. Get it together." His voice shook, despite his efforts to steady himself. "You can't afford to lothe your shit, not now."
no subject
Now, he curls his hand tighter around his friend's, squeezing a little.
"Kurloz." Sam'd said he'd use Initiate unless it was just the two of them, but it's out before he can help it. If the 'sir' is any indicator, he's having trouble hanging onto himself. They might need him floaty and out of it to finish up, but they don't need him lost. "We need you here, brother, we just need you to stay here, and to stay you. Take Psiioniic's advice, okay? Count backwards from a hundred, count out loud."
no subject
"...am a crazy freakshow..." He laughs. Sort of. "INDIGO... REMEMBER?" Sam beats him to saying name. He doesn't mind. Of all people to be saying it in front of, Mituna's being the last he'd worry on. At least, not now, when he's having all too hard a time distinguishing his Mituna from the one beside him. Why should he? Mituna was Mituna, always good and true and brave... and worrying too motherfucking much.
He twists and pulls until he can move his hand to Mituna's. He grips both hands, Sam's and Mituna's.
"S'okay brother blessed... S'OKAY, DON'T FEAR."
His hand goes a little looser. He's not supposed to be doing such things at Mituna. Kankri would be sad... yeah...
He grunts and focuses upon them commandings. Commandings kind and good. Not commands. "...I don't wanna m'fuckin count," He whines. "I'M HERE. I'm here... DAWN'S CRUEL ASCENT... o' laughing lauded... WITNESS STILL SCOURED AND YET UNSSSSCATHED.... fffamily... I'M TIRED." Wait. That last part wasn't part of the scriptures. He tries proving himself other ways. "I'm me... ALWAYS ME. Can't... make me not me. JUST NEW MES. Ha, s'notsobad... S'OKAY... Fuuuuck, my ninjas, I feel as like shit."
no subject
Psii didn't realize Initiate was quoting his scriptures at first, assuming it to be a song or some random poetry. He was too distracted by his hand being held captive. When the memory clicked into place and he belatedly realized, he hissed and violently pulled his hand away, skidding on the ice as he pushed himself back with his feet.
"Don't you quote that clown shit at me! There'th no one to cull here! They're all dead! Firtht they came for the maroonbloodth, then they came for the bronzebloodth, then they came for me, and there'th no one left, thtop it! Thtop it!!"
The smell of blood was already in the cave, inescapable. It didn't take much to remember the bodies of friends strung up next to paintings and scriptures written in their blood, or the impromptu slave "courtblocks" where one Subjugglator was judge, jury, and executioner. Psii shook, his back burning as the whip seared its memory on him again.
no subject
He wonder when this became his life, but he's still pretty sure he can trace it back to the morning he met Steve.
Some of the slightly frantic tension drains out of him when Kurloz starts laughing and turns a little whiny. He's pretty sure they're safer, if he's refusing commands, and this is a kind of drugged up that Sam's more than familiar with. He chuckles a little. "Okay, brother, you don't gotta count if you don't want to."
He's about to settle into gentle teasing, maybe slowly pull his hand away and go back to finishing his work, when Psiioniic yanks his hand away and starts having a little bit of a freak out. Sam's startled, but he automatically tunes in to what Psiioniic's saying, even before the rest of him catches up. And he's real damn glad Kurloz had already told him about his preaching, because it means he's on a little bit firmer ground here than he might otherwise be.
"Hey, man, nobody here is gonna cull you." Sam twists a little, turning around so he can angle himself towards Psiioniic and kind of block Kurloz from view, as much as possible. He keeps his hold on one of Kurloz's hand, which, well. Means he hopes like hell no one is about to get violent, because he's currently in an incredibly shitt position to defend himself. "Look at me, okay? Tell me what's happening."
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Then Mituna hisses, ripping away from him.
"NO!" He cries out, eyes suddenly opening wide. He's lurching forward, chasing after fast, only for pain to shoot up sharp. He cries out and falls back down. He groans, "I'm sORRY, i d-dIDN'T--"
He can't hardly see Mituna anymore. It's all Sam up in his vision. But he can hear what's being said and he can hear the panicked breath, he knows fear. He rolls until his forehead touches ice, wanting to hide his face. Even when he ain't trying to hurt him, he always does. He always fucking destroys.
He holds Sam's hand just a bit too tight. Then, he says in a broken voice, "Take 'im out, Sam. TAKE 'IM OUTSIDE. He'll ffffEEL better as ALL B-BEING away from me... HE AIN'T N-NEED to be HERE. You ain't need me."
Mituna can tell Sam the truth. Then they'll go. They'll be safe, he'll be alone. That's good. Better, better, all motherfucking nicelike...
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"I'm helping a member of a math-murdering cult ith what'th happening!" he immediately shot back at Sam. He wasn't so freaked out that he forgot the present. The past simply had its way of coloring everything here wrong. It helped though, Sam being an anchor. He thought of Dolorosa. He missed her. Dolorosa, who would be enslaved like himself. Signless told him at the Crowning. His eyes stung.
"Like the liveth of everyone who thuffered don't even matter, jutht a bunch of pithbloodth, can't even hold a candle to one thpethial Subjugglator having a bad night."
His voice shook, but he couldn't weep for the dead. He never felt safe enough to truly come undone. Leaving the cave was tempting, it really was. He'd be less emotionally compromised, at the very least. He thought of running outside, turning his face up to the sky, and pleading at Signless, who surely must be watching, telling him that he'd tried, but he just couldn't do this.
What a loser.
"Fuck you," he spat at Initiate with as much venom he could. "Don't tell me where to go. I'm helping Sam, and you can't do shit about it. Bite me."
Other than outright killing, doing what Signless would ask was the best way Psii knew to spite highbloods. It didn't mean he had to like helping Initiate, but it was either that or telling Signless to his face that he'd let his moirail die if given the chance. Psii already jumped hoops for that nubby idiot.
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There's more than one reason that Sam'd held on to Kurloz's hand, and he's really glad he did when Kurloz starts trying to move after him. Sam keeps holding on tight, both to give his friend something to hang on to, and to keep him from moving.
"Of course they matter. Helping him right now doesn't make what they went through any less significant, it's not a betrayal to them because you're helping someone who was on the other side, okay? It just makes you better." At least Sam has some experience there, though he's a little gentler here than the times he'd had to snap something like that out to a soldier who tried to tell him not to give medical attention to someone just because they weren't a US citizen.
He untwists himself a little, now that he's sure Psiioniic isn't caught up in flashbacks, or whatever the Alternian equivalant is.
"And don't even try to tell me something like that. If you think I'd consider leaving you alone like this for even a second, man, you're gonna be severely disappointed. What part of 'I got your back' did you not understand?"
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"I'M SORRY." He starts trying to sit up. He shakes with the effort, when all combined with everything done on him. Sam's hand is still on his. "I know it's not enough. I KNOW IT DON'T BRING them back WHAT ALL YOU'VE LOST. Mirth, I'd rEND MYSELF APART if I thought at it could. I'D BLEED MYSELF FUCKING DRY FOR YOU! I'd do it a THOUSAND TIMES..."
Fuck, he's never been able to close his trap of his own will at times like this.
"I owe all to you. NOT EVEN BEING BY YOUR FUTURE. You kept... him safe. YOU and Disciple. AND THE DOLOROSA! You... you inspired the Neophyte Redglare with your doings... AND SO PASSED... was her good to Terezi, what gave it to me... IT ALL COMES BACK! All comes back around... AND SO YOUR PEOPLE! What they did at you. WHAT THEY GOT MEANING. It still matters. THEY still motherFUCKING MATTER." The paint... he painted with blood and it meant something. Maybe not to other indigos, but to him... they kept him safe. And so in his painting he kept them mattering. The exchange for living and dying, before he lost track of it all.
"You ain't got to help me. SIGNLESS WON'T HOLD NOTHING TO YOU. You were his first AND HE was yours. HE AIN'T GOING TO HOLD AT YOU cause you didn't want none to do with me. HE'D WANT YOU HAPPY. If you think I'm being... top of picking order... you're in for a FUCKIN SHOCK."
Slowly, he starts to lay back down, teeth grit as he does to keep no more noise from breaking out. He thinks he might have torn it all a bit. He hopes not, if only because Sam's worked this hard and he doesn't want to feel the threading again.
"Sorry Sam," He mutters at last, before turning his back on the both of them.
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"I don't remember being hith. It hathn't happened to me yet I think. I don't have a claim, tho thtop talking about it. The whole country can hear, you fucking idiot. And I—I don't want to think about it. I jutht want to help SS'th moirail and get the hell out of here."
Where "here" was exactly—the cave, the arena, the country—he didn't know. In times of danger, Psii didn't want to think about quadrants of all things, least of all the quadrant that gave Psii the most grief. It was hard to have feelings jams in cramped slave quarters. Even after he left that behind, there was still a whole lot of baggage he and a potential moirail would have to wade through.
"And you thtill can't tell me what to do. Maybe I'm tired of killing. Maybe I'm tired of leaving otherth behind to die. Maybe you should go fuck yourthelf."
On that classy note, Psii hauled himself over to the kit to look for bandages. They were going to need quite a few.
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Thanks, man.
And yet. And yet Sam stays quiet, doesn't move, doesn't do anything to try to interrupt any of that. If their situations had been reversed, if it'd been Riley who showed up here after being gone so long, just younger and with no memory of what they meant to each other - Sam can't honestly say he wouldn't be doing the same thing right now.
"Not accepting that until I know what you're apologizing for," he mutters when Kurloz tells him he's sorry.
He finishes up his stitching, cutting one or two that'd gotten pulled in all the movement and redoing them, then glances over at Psiioniic at the kit. "Hand me some of those?"
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But the last part still stings. More than the fuck you what follows.
"I AM NOT M-making b-being ATTATCHMENT of the Signless. KNOW THAT? Yer 'is bes' frien' either way... BUT OPINIONS YOURS is noted."
What's he sorry for. What's he sorry for? Everything. Fucking all of this. But he says, "DIDN'T D-DO THIS so as you or no motherfffucker COULD CLEAN my mm... messes... SHOULD BOTH look after your own... 'SPECIALLY SIN-NNH... neither of you motherfuckers really wants doing this..."
If he'd known this would happen, would he have just slit his own throat? ...No, he wouldn't have. Terezi would've hated him for it, Signless too. And even beyond that, Messiahs demanded a fight to the end. He learned that already.
His head is a fog. He thinks there must be way of getting this working out. How to get the Psiioniic to leave. The knife's just behind, and he thinks, he could hold it to Sam, they wouldn't see it coming and the Psiioniic would go, Sam would never trust him again, and he'd be alone. His hand lifts, then falls back down. He can't. That was less likely happening than his own ends. He shivers.
"W-WILL ONE OF YOU TALK THEN?" Since he can't, not without fucking up.
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"Thure, but no promitheth. You're thuppothed to be rethting whether we talk or not."
A highblood who couldn't take care of themselves, who had to rely on help, was frowned upon. But Psii followed Signless's philosophy of helping others. Even now he quickly handed Sam the things he needed without a fuss. He couldn't just walk away, or worse, give the Gamemakers what they wanted and finish Initiate off. It was easier to kill than to save. It was easier to die than to live. His visions showed him that. What was the point of trying to take easy ways out when calamity wove into his life anyway?
"It'th that thtupid highblood thtrength complexth that thayth you're not allowed to acthept help. You know your moirail doethn't buy that hoofbeathtshit. Even if you're telling uth to go jutht becauthe you don't like yourthelf, well, join the club." He gave a short, bitter laugh. "No point driving uth off for that reathon either."
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He listens to what Psiioniic’s saying as he works, tucking all of that away. If they were alone, Sam’d have a lot more to say about all of that - but then, if they were alone, Sam probably wouldn’t be hearing any of this. Another thing on his list for later, then.
When Psiioniic stops, Sam takes his turn talking. And veers completely away from anything they’d been saying before, because he’s had enough of trying to split his attention between emotional shit and physically patching someone up.
“You see those giant ass tiger beast things they had earlier in the arena? Ran into one of ‘em when it decided Bucky looked like a great snack. It got real fucking pissed at me when I stabbed it, and then Bucky’s dumbass decided to jump on its goddamn back. Shoulda seen him, man, no idea how he managed to stay on it so long with the way it was snarling and twisting around.”
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But it's something. They're talking. He can just listen. Not try and keep grounded by means of scriptures again, it all being the first and last he always goes to.
He has to admit, he like Sam's story a bit more though. It's an actual story, and something what gets on amusing. He actually laughs a little, though winds up becoming a cough and a grit of teeth.
"HA, SHIT. Soun's like... you had some fuckin time of it... SAD I MISSED OUT. I'll have to catch that shit later... WHEN WE'RE BACK." He doesn't say 'if'. He never says 'if'.
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"If you get back. And you didn't exthactly help your chantheth today."
Psii always said "if." The future was inscrutable except to those who could see it. Even then, his visions raised as many questions as they answered. What was the point of deluding oneself with little lying words? Initiate and Signless had that in common. They had to fool themselves into thinking the future would be brighter, as if their wills alone could change it.
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He gives a little chuckle at Kurloz’s comment about watching it later, dry and only partly amused. “Just cut it off after the thing dies, unless you want a show of me and Buck sewing up my leg.”
His jaw tightens a little when Psiioniic corrects that to if, but he doesn’t say anything. He can’t say anything, really - this is only Sam’s second arena, and any time he talks about when they’re back in the Capitol is still half bravado. He hasn’t quite convinced himself everyone will come back.
Instead, he focuses on finishing up bandaging what’s left of Kurloz’s leg, wrapping gauze around it neat and tying it off. “You’re good, man, all done.”
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Then, None of that noise, on about the Psiioniic. That didn't come out. Try again. "WHEN," He repeats, firmer, even if it comes out far more worn. "Made a show... EAT UP, THEY... bring me back... WON'T... won't go yet..."
There was plenty point in deluding ones self. He'd changed his life plenty. He could do more. And even if he couldn't, he did have to tell himself so. He couldn't stop, and so he'd stick by faith to his end, as Signless stuck by his hope. His chances got slimmer every time, but he was a damn good acrobat.
Sam finishes off finally and he lets out what might be cross of a groan of pain and sigh of relief. It turns into a shudder. "I'MMA... s-ssleep now... " Even if he keeps on shivering the whole while. He's never been so cold. But he's alright now. Probably...
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Perhaps he should lecture the both of them on how the future usually turned out to be shittier than expected; he was a prophet after all. Or perhaps he should just keep quiet and plan his next move. They would need warmth and to replenish their food supplies. Survival in an arena didn't leave much time for contemplation.