She can't, she can't focus, because when she does, she just smells death and destruction and her life falling into pieces. She doesn't want to be here, she doesn't want to be doing this and selfishly, she doesn't want it to be him. She doesn't want to admit this pain or this trauma to him. It's too close, cutting into things she doesn't think he knows and things she doesn't care to tell.

She screams around her gag, tears streaming down her face as she tries. Tries not to move, tries not to think. Her gut turns over, unhappy, but she can't do that right now. She'll choke, die. She doesn't want to die but she doesn't want to live, not with this searing pain. Not with the smell in the air and her matesprit dying in her minds eye, over and over.

And as abruptly as it started, it stops. Oh the pain doesn't really stop, never really ends, but the intensity fades and she can breath again. Before he can protest, she pulls the gag free and coughs, taking deep shuddering breaths. She feels like she must look terrible. Tearstreaked and trembling, she buries her face in her hands and shakes her head.

"I can't do this. I can't."